Dealing with the “New” Version of your Daughter
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
Psalm 46:1 NIV
Raising a pre-teen girl is not for the weak! Every day is a gamble for the mood and emotional headspace she is in. My daughter has always been super comfortable in her skin, and not dramatic or emotional by nature. HELLO! A new person has arrived living in her body now. There are so many tears, so many words, so much DRAMA! My husband cannot even process what is happening and they end up arguing about everything! Then, I feel like the buffer in the middle. Part of me understands how out of control she feels emotionally (because I’ve been there too once and also, ahem… pre-menopause has arrived.) But on the other hand, I fully understand where he is coming from too. It’s hard to know where the line is when it’s time to comfort and offer support, and when it’s time to draw a line and discipline when the emotions turn into disrespect.
I didn’t write this to say I have figured out a magic trick to dealing with this new normal. I did however want to write this to encourage as many of you as possible that God truly does see our struggle too as our daughters transition into the next season of development. I’m learning some tools to help myself because if I’m honest, sometimes I just get so mad and want to freak out on her. (This is new… she has always been an easy kid to deal with.) Sometimes, my heart breaks for how sad or defeated she feels even over small things because watching your kid hurt is just plain hard no matter what!
What I’m holding onto is that it is a normal part of growing up and it will eventually pass. I also regularly remind myself that the day is coming all too quickly where she will spread her wings away from me and soar in her independence and I don’t want to have too many regrets. I know it’s important that she feels heard and supported (even if I am secretly thinking how not big of a deal this thing actually is.) I’ve also learned the significance of not rushing through the moments when she wants to just talk and spend time with me. I have a bad habit of rushing everything and this is one of those things I’m having to be very intentional not to do. Although, there is also a lot of correcting, talking off the ledge, and even discipline moments “you will not be sassy to me, don’t even think about rolling your eyes at me” or my personal favorite- “it is okay to feel upset and mad, but it is not okay to disrespect me or your daddy in the process.” Lord, help us all. There are also some sweet growing and learning moments when I lean into God for guidance.
One thing I’ve learned since becoming a mom that I truly believe I will carry with me through every age and stage with my kids is that the Holy Spirit is that still small voice that I can turn to when I’m in a moment I wasn’t expecting and I’m not sure what to say or do next. I know I don’t want to screw it up or let my own emotions get the best of me. I take a breath…. And I pray in my mind something like this- “Lord, I need your help right now. Give me the words and the strategies that this child needs. Help my own feelings get out of the way so you can use me to help my child.” I’m here to tell you that this really works! It isn’t just some church-ish thing to say to make us all feel better, it is REAL! I have many stories I could tell you of times I have felt frozen inside by a question or situation I wasn’t prepared for in my journey as a mama, and when I think to stop and invite the Lord to help me, He is always faithful to do so.
So, today I’m praying that you will be encouraged that: 1) you are not alone in your struggles, especially in trying to figure out how not to screw up raising your pre-teenager! 2) she is normal and this will pass eventually, and 3) the Lord is our “ever present help” and whenever we call on Him, He is faithful to be right there giving us (and our children) everything we need right in that moment.
